The Observatory Pinafore

The Observatory Pinafore (1879)

A widely reproduced photograph of the melodrama. O. Gingerich notes that Millman's first name was Peter, not Percy.

The oldest social event at the Observatory of which we have records, and one of the oldest of a long tradition of spoofs in astronomy, the Observatory Pinafore was a rewrite of Gilbert and Sullivan's `HMS Pinafore' which made fun of the inhabitants of the Harvard Observatory. Written in 1879, it was first performed in 1929, with a cast of famous astronomers. The full text is reproduced below. You can also read

If you are interested in helping stage a revival of this classic work, please contact the CFA Social and Recreational Committee.

THE OBSERVATORY PINAFORE

Attributed to Winslow S. Upton, 1879

Original manuscript in the hand of Williamina Fleming, 1879.

First Performed Dec 31, 1929 by the Harvard Observatory Staff

Typescript in files of O. Gingerich transcribed to electronic form June 17, 1994 by Jonathan McDowell
while at the 1.2m CCD Photometer, on a decidedly non-photometric night.

[Note: The text is from Copy O (Owen Gingerich's archive, Bok's copy).
The HCO Library copy (Copy P, QB52 U68 (Ransom?)) has manuscript
emendations indicated as follows: {} deleted from Copy P; ** added
to copy P. It appears that in the original Upton manuscript, 
Josephine was actually Joseph; however in the 1929 typescript not
all the relevant pronouns were altered from 'he' to 'she'. My emendations
of these pronouns are also noted by {}.]



Direction: Harlow Shapley, Helen Sawyer

Cast:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AS  Professor Arthur Searle, in charge of Photometry          
                                    - Leon Campbell
WU  Mr. Winslow Upton, Assistant Observer on Photometer P     
                                    - G. W. Wheelwright
WAR Professor William A. Rogers, in charge of Meridian Circle 
                                    - P.M. Millman
RGS Miss Rhoda G. Saunders, Computer
                                    - Adelaide Ames
JFM Josephine F. McCormack, Circle Reader          
                                    - Cecilia H. Payne
ECP Professor Edward C. Pickering, The Director       
                                    - W.R. Ransom
LW  Dr. Leonard Waldo, L.L.D., Director of Observatory 
                           at Providence               
                                    - Bart J. Bok
FES Mr. Frank E. Seagrave, Gentleman from Providence
                                    - A. R. Sayer

Computers                          -  Irma Caldwell
                           	       Sylvia Mussels
                            	       Helen Sawyer
                            	       Mildred Shapley
                            	       Henrietta Swope

Influential Men From Providence:       Mr. Bowie
				       Mr. Andrews

Costumes:  Henrietta Swope

Properties: Arville Walker

Conductor and Violinist: Jenka Mohr

Pianist: Frances Wright.


ACT I:  Computing Room of the Observatory, Early Morning

ACT II: Library of Observatory, Late Afternoon.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


ACT I

Scene: Computing Room of the Harvard Observatory.

JFM, WU, RGS, and others at work. Overture.

         Chorus of Computers


  We work from morn 'till night,
      For computing is our duty;
  We're faithful and polite,
      And our record book's a beauty;
  With Crelle and Gauss, Chauvenet and Peirce,
      We labor hard all day;
  We add, subtract, multiply and divide,
     And we never have time to play.


     No, no; No, no,
     We never, never play.
     No, no; No, no,
     We never, never play.
 We sit at our desks all day, all day,
 We work from morn 'till night
 And computing is our duty,
    We are faithful and polite,
 And our record book's a beauty,
   Computing is our duty,
 Our record book's a beauty,
   We work from morn 'till night,
 We are faithful and polite.


[Enter A.S. (A. Stronomer) with the morning mail]

Rec. A.S.   Good day, workers hard, cease your toil a moment.
            I've brought the mail which is {far} more important. 
            Here are letters for you all, but do not read them long,
            For I want to sing you my little song:

Aria. A.S.  I'm called an astronomer, skillful astronomer,
                Though I could never tell why;
            But yet an astronomer, happy astronomer,
                Modest astronomer, I.
            I read the thermometers, break the photometers,
            Mend them with paper and wax;
            I often lament that so seldom is spent
            A fair evening on star parallax.
            I write many letters, give aid to my betters,
               And often sit up late o'nights
            To catch a few glimpses of the many eclipses
               of Jupiter's bright satellites.

            I'm called an astronomer, skillful astronomer,
                Though I could never tell why;
            But yet an astronomer, happy astronomer,
                Modest astronomer, I.
            

WU	Did you get the eclipse this morning?

AS	No! We tried, but Photometer didn't work and the clock gave
	out just as we began.

WU	You made noise enough for a dozen eclipses. I couldn't sleep.

AS	You ought to change your room if we disturb you.

WU	I shall when my salary is large enough.

AS      I guess you'll die of old age in that room if youwait for a large
        salary before giving it up.

        Recit.  But tell me who's the man whose lingering feet
                With difficulty bear him on his course?

WU      That is the smartest man upon our force - Prof. Rogers.

AS.     Oh, he! I go, I go.  [Exit].

[Enter WAR]

Madrigal WAR     The morning star loved the pale Moon's bright ray,
            And sang afar in his own melodious way.
                 He sang, "Ah! Well-a-day!"


All              He sang, "Ah! Well-a-day!"


WAR      Bright Sirius for Capella vainly sighed,
         To his humble wail Aldebaran replied,
                They sang, "Ah! Well-a-day!"


All              They sang, "Ah! Well-a-day!"

WU  Recit.    I know the value of a kindly chorus,
              But choruses yield but little consolation,
              When we have pain and trouble too before us,
              I fear that Josephine will lose her station!

RGS          Alas! That Josephine should lose her station!

All          Alas! That Josephine should lose her station!

Ballad. WAR   A maid more fair to see ne'er graced Astronomy
                 For Science fair did choose her.
              For her the circle sighs, and Chronograph replies
                 "Alas! That we must lose her."

All              "Alas! That we must lose her."


WAR         A foeman nobly born, by scheming passion torn,
                 And coy beyond concealing,
            He dared for her to pine, at whose exalted shrine,
                 The microscopes lie kneeling.

All              The microscopes lie kneeling.

WAR         Unlearned she in aught, save that which I have taught,
               For I have taught her deftly
            Oh, pity, pity me! How lonely shall I be
               when she at last has left me!

WAR and all.
            Oh, pity, pity me! How lonely shall I be
               when she at last has left me!

RGS         You look tired.

WAR.        I didn't sleep well last night. The Director talks of
            taking Josephine off the Meridian Circle and sending her
            to Providence to help Mr. Waldo. I opposed it all I could,
            but he evidently has made up his mind to do it.


JFM.        I don't want to go.

WAR         Well, we'll see. I have a plan that I think will fix it all
            right. Let's go to work now.
        [All resume work. Silence for a few moments.]


WAR         Bah!

WU          There's something wrong a-brewin'!

WAR         Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! It's all wrong! A fearful mistake!

All        Whose figures?

WAR to RGS  They look like yours.

RGS        I don't believe it's wrong.

WAR         Wait a minute! It *is* right after all! I thought I'd
           found a whopping mistake. {I'm relieved! What time is it?
           Hooraw, Jo, time for next star.}  [Marginal  note in
           copy P transfers last 3 sentences to just before entry
           of AS, preceded by unknown dialogue from JFM.]

          [Exeunt WAR and JFM. Enter ECP]

ECP       My gallant crew, good morning!

All.      Sir, good morning.

ECP       I hope you're all quite well.

All.      Quite well, and you, sir?

ECP       I'm in reasonable health, and happy to meet you all once more.


All.      You do us proud, sir!

Song.
 ECP      I am the captain of this little crew.
 All.     And a right good captain too.
 ECP      You are very, very good, and be it understood
            I command a right good crew.
 All      We're very, very good, and be it understood
            He commands a right good crew.
 ECP      Though moving by my right in society polite,
            And among many men of note,
          I am never known to wear, though the ladies vainly stare,
            A tall hat or swallow-tail coat.
 All      What, never?
 ECP      No, never!
 All      What, NEVER?
 ECP      Well, hardly ever!
 All      Hardly ever wears a swallow-tail coat.
          Then give three cheers and three times three
           for the gallant captain of the Observatree,
          Then give three cheers and three times three
           for the captain of the Observatree,
      

  ECP     I do my best to satisfy you all.
  All     And with you we're quite content.
  ECP     You're exceedingly polite, and I think it only right,
          To return the compliment.
  All     We're exceedingly polite, and he thinks it only right,
          To return the compliment.
  ECP     Academic titles all, I have never failed to call
          In addressing you by name.
            Though Mister I may occasionally say
          I never speak the bare surname.
 All      What, never?
 ECP      No, never!
 All      What, NEVER?
 ECP      Well, hardly ever!
 All      Hardly ever speaks the bare surname.
          Then give three cheers and three times three
           for the gallant captain of the Observatree,
          Then give three cheers and three times three
           for the gallant captain of the Observatree,
          
  [During the song, AS has entered.]

 Recit. AS  Sir, you are sad - the silent eloquence 
          of yonder tear that trembled on your eyelash
          Proclaims a sorrow far more deep than common.
          Confide in me - I will try to comfort you.

 ECP      Yes, sympathising friend, I'm sad and sorry.
          My assistant Josephine the fairest flower 
          That ever blossomed on scientific timber
          Is sought for a helper by Dr. Leonard Waldo.
          But {her} former employer, Professor Rogers,
          For some reason is violently opposed to it.

AS (aside)  Ah! poor Rogers! I know too well
          The anguish of a heart that cannot have its way.
          But here he comes, I must read the thermometers. Farewell. [Exit]

ECP [looking after him] A plump and pleasing person!

[Enter WAR and JFM]

ECP       Good morning! How's the work getting on?

WAR       First rate!

ECP       I'm pleased to hear it. [to JFM] I would like to
          see you a few moments in my study. [Exeunt ECP and JFM]

Ballad, RGS
          Sorry her lot who adds not well,
          Dull is the mind that checks but vainly,
          Sad are the sighs that own the spell
          Symbolized by frowns that speak too plainly.
          Heavy the sorrow that bows the head
          When fingers are tender and the ink is red.
          Happy the hour when sets the sun,
          Sweet is the night to earth's poor daughters,
          Who sweetly may sleep when labor is done
          Unlike their brother astronomers.
          Heavy the sorrow that bows the head
          When fingers are tender and the ink is red.

WAR      What's the matter with your fingers?


RGS      The red ink stains come off so hard that my fingers are
         sore all the time. I hate red ink.

WU       What makes you use it then? I don't.

RGS      Don't you? Look at your book! There are lots of red figures -
         your figures, too.

WU       They are corrections of others' mistakes, not my own.

RGS      That's it! You correct your own mistakes in blue, so that they
         don't show so much. I think it's mean.

WAR      It's a good rule that *all* mistakes should be corrected in red.

WU       I don't think so.

WAR      I do - What do you think of my trying to keep Josephine? She's the
         best circle reader in the country. I don't want to lose her.

WU       I don't believe she'll stay. I'd go if I were she.

 [Song is heard in the distance. Enter hastily ECP, AS, and JFM.]

Barcarole (invisible)

      Over the grassy lea, comes Leonard Waldo, LLD,
      Wherever he may go, bang-bang the loud nine-pounders go.
      Shout o'er the grassy lea for Leonard Waldo, LLD.

      Chorus of Computers:
         They work from morn 'till night,
          For computing is their duty,
         They're faithful and polite,
           Their record book's a beauty.

[Enter delegation of citizens from Providence].

Citizens:  Gaily tripping, lightly skipping,
           Flock the visitors to this building.
           Gaily tripping, lightly skipping,
           Flock the visitors to this building.
 
Computers:  Gloves and canes and glasses gleaming,
            How the strangers throng the  building.

Citizens:   Youths so sprightly, always sightly,
            Welcome  visitors so politely.

Computers:  Visitors who can smile so brightly
            We all welcome most politely.
            Welcome most politely.

[Enter LW and RGS]

ECP     {Twice nine} Harvard cheers, now - one, two, three!
         [** A regular Harvard cheer (Copy P)]

All:     Rah! rah! rah! rah! rah! rah! rah! rah! rah! 
         Rah! rah! rah! rah! rah! rah! rah! rah! rah! 

Song. LW. I reside in places three - 
          Cambridge, Brookline, and Little Rhodee.
          But the last of these I say is "perfectly immense".

FES  And so say the influential men of Providence.

Citizens:  And so say the influential men of Providence.
                  The influential men of Providence.

LW        I'm very full of knowledge rare,
          And could fill a professor's chair.
          But I think my learning fails of proper recompense.


FES  And so say the influential men of Providence.

Citizens:  And so say the influential men of Providence.
                  The influential men of Providence.

LW        I am at last an L.L.D.,
          I'm very proud of my degree,
          For it shows that I'm a man of extraordinary sense.

FES  And so say the influential men of Providence.

Citizens:  And so say the influential men of Providence.
              Professors, lawyers, ministers,
              The wise and wealthy men of Providence.

WU        I wouldn't give two cents for a degree.

LW        Sour grapes.

WU        Not at all. I've a better position already than an LLD, FRAS,
          or XYZ could give me. I am assistant observer on Photometer P.

Song WU
  Two years ago I came to be
  An assistant at th'Observatree.
  I spent my time from day to day
  In making computations for the Const survey.
  My "patent" computations did so well for me
  That now I am observing with Photometer P.

Chorus
  My "patent" computations did so well for me
  That now I am observing with Photometer P.

WU      In the cool night air with "S" and "P"
       I wearied my eyes on photometree.
       Bright stars with H, faint stars with I
       Blue doubles reserved for a cloudy sky.
       So many close doubles were observed by me
       That now I am observing with Photometer P.

Chorus
       So many close doubles were observed by me
       That now I am observing with Photometer P.


WU
      I pulled the string or turned the screw
      Or drove the match as I was told to do;
      I "cranked" the circle near and far
      while "S" strained his eyes to catch the prism star.
      I became so cranky they promoted me
      To be an observer with Photometer P.

Chorus
      I became so cranky they promoted me
      To be an observer with Photometer P.

WU    I turned the dome with so grand a shock
      that I broke two windows and the Elliott clock;
      I burst the gas pipe rolling the chair,
      And created a blaze for the winter's scare.
      For my worthy zeal they requested me
      to try my strength on Photometer P.

Chorus
      For my worthy zeal they requested me
      to try my strength on Photometer P.


WU     Now Waldo, Wendell, Metcalf, Mann,
     Copy my example as far as you can;
     Compute, observe, and - mark my word -
     Your labor will gain its due reward.
     And if you're asked "What reward shall it be?"
     Say, "Let me observe with Photometer P".

Chorus:
     And if you're asked "What reward shall it be?"
     Say, "Let me observe with Photometer P".


LW   Indeed. I congratulate you.

ECP  How are you getting along in Providence?

LW   Very nicely, sir. We are just preparing to make 
     observations of Mars this fall.

ECP  For parallax?

LW   Yes, sir. I have recently devised a new 
     photomicrometric theodelite, from which we expect
     a great deal. It is made from the best material
     and by the best mechanician in this country,
     Grunow of New York. I should like, sir, to show it
     to you when it is completed.

ECP  Thank you! I should be pleased to examine it.

LW   I have the testimony, sir, of able astronomers in this
     country and in Europe, whom I consulted in the matter,
     that its principle is excellent, and I am sure we
     shall succeed with it. You have a large force of 
     computers, sir.


ECP   Yes, quite large - most enough for a good dance in
     spare hours.

LW   Do you allow, sir, your assistants to dance? Physicians
     tell me it is promotive of inaccuracy in computation.

ECP  Indeed! I was not aware of that. I had though of 
     inducing our Scotch maid to give them instruction in
     the Highland polka, but she has unfortunately returned
     to her native land.

LW   That is not unfortunate, but fortunate, I should say, sir.
     I hope, however, your assistants sing. I have recently
     composed an astronomical song, which is designed to give
     instruction to young astronomers in a pleasing way.
   [He hands some copies to ECP who lays them on the table].

ECP   Thank you. Undoubtedly it is valuable music.

LW   I should like, sir, to show my friends through the building,
     and shall we rejoin you in the library?

ECP  Certainly, certainly. I shall be at leisure.

LW  [to computers] Good morning.

All  Good morning, Mr. Waldo.

FES  *Mr* Waldo! *Dr* Waldo, you mean.

All [smiling]  Good morning, Dr. Waldo.

LW  [spoken]  My friend is quite right.

    [sung]    For I hold that a degree
              When bestowed for deep studee
              Should recieve o'er titles general the precedence.

FES and Chorus

              And so say the influential men of Providence.
               The Influential men, the influential men of Providence.


[Exeunt ECP, LW, FES and Citizens of Prov.]

WU   The idea of our dancing a Scottish jig!

RGS   I should like to try it.

JFM   So should I.

WU   Let's sing the new song they have left for us.

All. Agreed!
SONG: WAR, JFM, WU and Chorus of Computers:

   An astronomer is a sorry soul,
   As free as a caged bird;
   His sympathetic ear should be always quick to hear
   The directorial word.
   He must open the dome and turn the wheel
   And watch the stars with untiring zeal.
   He must toil at night though cold it be
   And he never should expect a decent salaree.

Chorus:
   He must open the dome and turn the wheel
   And watch the stars with untiring zeal.
   He must toil at night though cold it be
   And he never should expect a decent salaree.

   His eyes should shine with learned fire,
   His brow with thought be furrowed;
   His energetic speech should be ever prompt to teach
   The truths which he has borrowed.
   His knees should bend and his neck should curl
   His back should twist and his face should scowl,
   One eye should squint and the other protrude,
   And this should be his customary attitude.

Chorus:
   His knees should bend and his neck should curl
   His back should twist and his face should scowl,
   One eye should squint and the other protrude,
   And this should be his customary attitude.


[Exeunt all but WAR and JFM]

WAR   What did the director say?

JFM   He offers me better wages and I think I shall go.

WAR   Oh, no. You don't want to go. You wouldn't be contented.
      Now listen to my plan. The director is anxious to have
      more of us work on his new photometer. If you should
      study up and offer to work in the intervals between
      our stars on the Meridian Circle, I know it would please him.

JFM   But I want that time to warm my feet and read the
      New York Weekly.

WAR   Well, how will this do? For me must devise some plan.
      You and I will get Mr. Searle to explain how the instrument
      works and then -

JFM   But they say the prisms are poor and that Clark will have
      to regrind them, sooner or later.

WAR   I have it, then. We'll get Mr. Searle to explain to us what
      is wanted, and this afternoon or tonight we'll carry the 
      prisms down to Clark's and get them fixed and put them
      back; and when the director finds out how improved they
      are, I'll tell him you did it and he will let you stay
      with me.

JFM   I don't believe it. I should lose my place by meddling with
     the instrument. I won't have anything to do with your plan.
     I'm going to Providence to live with professors.

DUET (WAR and JFM)

  JFM  Refrain, audacious sir, your suit from pressing; 
      Remember who you are and whom addressing -
      Professors seek my aid and here assemble
      The noblest in the land behold and tremble
  (Aside) If I were not afraid to risk my station
      I would adopt at once his recommendation.

 WAR  You wretch, what do you say? You heartless beauty.
      Speak *you* and *I* obey? Is it my duty?
      Am I a lowly fool, you bold agressor?
      That you should darkly hint I'm no professor?
  (Aside) My heart, with anguish torn, is loth to lose her
      She laughs my suit to scorn, yet I would choose her.

 [Exit JFM]

WAR [Recit]  Can I survive this overbearing?
             Or live a life of mad despairing?
             My preferred plan despised, rejected?
             No! No! It's not to be expected.
          Comrades all, come back, come here! come here!

 [Enter computers]

{  [deleted from Copy P]
All:    Aye, aye, dear sir, what cheer, what cheer?
        Now tell us pray, without delay,
        What does he say? What cheer? What cheer?

WAR     This ingrate treats my suit with scorn,
        Rejects my humble plan, Miss Rhoda
        {She} says that I must stand aside
        And cuts my hopes adrift, Miss Rhoda.

All:    Oh, cruel one! Oh, cruel one!

WU      {She} spurns your suit? Oho, oho!
        I told you so, I told you so.

All:   Shall we submit? Shall we submit?
       That Josephine should treat you so?
       Astronomers shall bold resist
       And shall we stoop to insult? No! No!

WU     You must submit, you must submit -
       {She} spurns your suit, oho! oho!
       You'll be discharged if you resist,
       I told you so, I told you so.
}

WAR [drawing pistol]

       My friends, my leave of life I'm taking,
       For oh! for oh! my heart is breaking.
       When I am gone O prithee tell
       the maid that as I died I loved her well.

All [weeping]
       Of life, alas! his leave he's taking
       For oh! his faithful heart is breaking
       When he is gone we'll surely tell
       that as he died, he loved her well.

WAR    Farewell, my comrades all
       It grieves my heart to leave you.
       For Josephine I fall
    [puts pistol to head]  [enter JFM]

JFM     Ah! Stay your hand! I'll aid you!

All     Ah! Stay your hand! She'll aid you!

WAR    Aid me?

JFM    Aid you.

All    Yes, yes, ah yes! She'll aid you!

WU     He thinks he's won his Jospehine,
       But though the sky is now serene
       A frowning thunderbolt above
       May end their ill-assorted love,
           which now is all ablaze.
       Our captain, ere the day is done
       Will be extremely down upon
       The wicked man, who art employ
           To make his Josephine so coy
           In many various ways.

{
Chorus
       O joy, o rapture unforeseen
       For now the sky is all serene
       The god of day, the orb of love
       Has hung his ensign high above
         The sky is all ablaze
       With wooing words and loving song
       We'll chase the lagging hours along
       And if our Josephine is coy
       We'll murmur scientific joy
         In dreamy roundelays.
}

JFM    This very night

RGS            with bated breath

WAR                    In spite of fright

JFM    We'll go by stealth

RGS             To Alvan Clark,

WAR                     New prisms twain

JFM    His skilful son

WAR             Will give to us

RGS                      And then we can

JFM    Return for none

WAR             Will hinder us

RGS                    Will hinder us.

Chorus

       This very night, with bated breath in spite of fright
       We'll go by stealth to Alvan Clark. New prisms twain
       His skilful son will give to us, and then we can
       Return, for none will hinder us, will hinder us.

WU     Forbear, nor carry out the scheme you've planned.
       The wishes of your chief you dare withstand?
       Remember you assist our good director
       And of his plans should be a strong protector.

Chorus?
       Back, vermin, back, nor mock us,
       Back, vermin, back, you shock us.
     
       Let's give three cheers for JFM,
       Who joins whole-souled our stratagem.
       Who risks her fame and honor too
       For the honest love of her teacher true.

       La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, 
       La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, 
       La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, 
       La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, 
       Let's give three cheers for JFM,
       Who joins whole-souled our stratagem,
       Who risks her fame and honor too,
       For the honest love of her teacher true.

Women's chorus.
       For an astronomer is a sorry soul,
       As free as a caged bird,
       His sympathetic ear should be always quick to hear
       The directorial word.
       His eye should flash with a learned fire,
       His brow with thought be furrowed,
       His energetic speech should be quick to teach
       The truth that he has borrowed.

Men's chorus.

       His knees should bend and his neck should curl,
       His back should twist and his face should scowl,
       One eye should squint and the other protrude,
       And this should be his customary attitude.

All.
       His knees should bend and his neck should curl,
       His back should twist and his face should scowl,
       One eye should squint and the other protrude,
       And this should be his customary attitude.



  ACT II

[Scene: Late in afteroon. Library. Photometers arranged on the
table for inspection of visitors. E. C. Pickering examining 
record sheets of meridian photometer.]

Song, ECP   Pole Star, to thee I sing
            Bright pivot of the heavens,
         Why are all our magnitudes
         Either at sixes or at sevens?
            I have lived hitherto
         Free from the breath of slander.
            Beloved all my crew
         A really popular commander.
         But now my prisms all rebel
            And ruin the photometer,
            And damage also, sad to tell,
            My fame as an astronomer.
            Pole Star, to thee I sing
            Bright pivot of the heavens,
         Why are all our magnitudes
         Either at sixes or at sevens?
        **  Pole Star, to thee I sing
        **  Bright pivot of the heavens,
            

AS [Enters]  Mr. Waldo wishes to speak with you.

ECP.   Thank you. I will see him at once. [Exit]

[AS remains and looks over the papers. Enter WAR and JFM]

WAR   Will you explain to us how these instruments work?

AS   The photometers? Certainly, as well as I can.

[Duet, AS and WAR.  JFM listens attentively.]

AS   Things are seldom what they seem
     Locomotives hide their steam - 
     Our machines are no exception
     Strings and thumb-screws nice deception.

WAR  Yes, I know - that is so.

AS   This is H with the double string
     One comes out while the other goes in.
     This is I with arm and screw
     Turn it slowly as I do.

WAR  Very truly, as you do.

AS   This is K with the rusty wire.
     Use it much and your arms will tire.
     This is M with the needle point
     Now it works and now it don't.

WAR  So I see, -- frequentlee.

AS    This is Q made for nebulae,
      These are the records of Photometer P,
      P is now a great vexation,
      For the prisms show polarization.

WAR   Yes, I know. That is so,
      Though to catch your drift I'm striving,
      It is puzzling, it is puzzling!
      I don't see at what you're driving.
      You are juggling, you are juggling.

Duet. Stern conviction is o'er me (him) stealing 
      That I'm practising concealing
      When I seem to be revealing. [Repeat]
      Yes, I know, that is so --
      Though a mystic tone I borrow
      I shall learn the truth with sorrow.
      Laugh today and cry tomorrow.  [Repeat]
      Yes, I know - that is so.

  [Exit AS]

WAR   Oh, Mr. Searle!  [Follows him out].

[JFM remains and examines the instrument].

JFM  Well, I didn't get much idea about the instruments,
     but I guess I know enough to get the prisms off,
     and take them down to Clarks'.

           The hours creep on apace,
           My guilty heart is quaking;
           Oh, that I might retrace,
           The step that I am taking!
       It's folly, it were easy to be showing,
          What I am giving up and whither going.
       On the one hand, a new, luxuorious home,
       With Brussels carpet and no dust or damp,
       With wonderful machines to move the dome,
       And all the apartments lit by student lamp -
       No inconvenience and no failure, you know,
       For every instrument is made by Grunow.
           And on the other, a dark and dingy place,
       all clattered up and smelling strong of oil  :????
       Where record pen most always fail to trace
        And thus rewards the most exacting toil;
       Observing sun and moon and many a low star,
       or getting up at midnight for the pole star.
           Meridian circle, nobly born,
           so brilliant and well-known,
         which bravely swings from early morn
         Till half the night is flown!
     [**  Till half the night is flown!]
         No golden rank can it impart,
         No wealth, nor fondest hopes.
        No fortune, save its brazen heart,
        and trusty microscopes.
     [**  and trusty microscopes.]
        And yet it is so wondrous fair,
         That love for one so passing rare
         Were little else than solemn duty.
        Oh god of love and god of reason, say!
        Which of you twain shall my poor heart obey?

[ECP and LW enter]

ECP   Ah, here is Josephine!

LW [to JFM]  I am glad Miss, [Madam in copy P, Miss in copy O, 
      Sir in original  typescript] that you are willing to go
      to Providence. I am sure you will become so attached to me,
      my instrument, and my work, that you will not desire at all
      to leave us.

JFM   Do you think that a person should stay where he is most attached?

LW    Indeed, Miss, I do. Were you at all attached to your work here
      (the director tells me you are anxious to give it up) --

JFM  [aside]  The director is mistaken, there.

LW  - I should not think of asking you to leave it. "Love levels all
     ranks", you know, and when we get in love with each other and our
     mutual work we shall be like brother and sister.

JFM [aside] He little knows how he confirms me in the plan to stay here.
 [To LW]  I will go with you to Providence.

{
Trio ECP, LW and JFM

ECP    Never mind the why and the wherefore,
       Love can level ranks, and therefore
       Though the doctor's station mighty
       Though stupendous be his brain,
       Though your tastes are mean and flighty
       And your fortune poor and plain

ECP and LW  Fill the air with merry laughter
            Rend with songs the air serene
            For the union of the doctor
            With the humble Josephine.

ECP  For a worthy Harvard doctor.

JFM  For my old and true instructor.

LW   And a man to scan the heavens.

JFM  And a youth to scan the heavens.

All    Fill the air, etc.

LW.   Never mind the why and wherefore,
      Love can level ranks and therefore
      Since the captain's wise decision
      Makes you in my set to pass
      Though you occupy a station
      In the lower middle class
      Fill the air, etc.

JFM   Never mind the why and wherefore
      Love can level ranks and therefore
      I admit its jurisdiction.
      Ably you have played the part
      You have carried firm conviction
      To my hesitating heart.
      Fill the air, etc.
}

ECP to LW   I congratulate you most sincerely on the happy
     result of our negotiation. [Exit JFM]

LW   Thank you, sir. I am sure that we part with mutual
     congratulations. [Exit]

[Enter WU and AS]
WU   Captain, Captain!

ECP   Well, can I do anything for you?

WU   No, but I want to tell you something.

[Duet ECP and WU. AS listens with amusement]

WU  Kind captain, I've important information
    Sing hey, the kind commander that you are!
    About a plot of recent derivation
    Sing hey the merry Nicol and the star!

Both   The merry, merry Nicol and the star!

ECP  Good fellow, in conundrums you are speaking,
     Sing hey, the kind assistant that you are,
     The answer to them vainly I am seeking,
     Sing hey, the merry Nicol and the star!

Both   The merry, merry Nicol and the star!

WU  Kind captain, Josephine a plot's concealing
    Sing hey, the kind commander that you are!
    The prisms of your instrument {s}he's stealing
    Sing hey the merry Nicol and the star.

Both   The merry, merry Nicol and the star!

ECP  I thank you for your kindness. Hark!
     I hear footsteps in the entry. Let us listen.

WU   Tra-la-lud-di-da-dee! foiled! foiled! foiled!

[WAR, JFM (with prisms in hand) and computers enter
 stealthily. ECP hides behind door.]

Computers  Carefully, on tiptoe stealing,
           Breathing gently as we may,
           Every step with caution feeling,
           We will softly steal away.

JFM [drops a prism]  
           Goodness me! My catechism!
           Sam Magee! I've dropped a prism!

All.   {S}he's dropped, {S}he's dropped a prism!

ECP    Oh, dear! My precious prism!

Computers
       Haste along, with footsteps steady
       We shall soon be out the dark
       And a horse car waits all ready
       To carry us to Alvan Clark.

JFM [drops the other prism]
           Goodness me! My catechism!
           Sam Magee! The other prism!

All. {S}he's dropped the other prism!

ECP    Oh, dear. My precious prism.

ECP [emerging] Hold! False assistant of mine.
       I insist upon knowing where you may be going,
       With those prisms so fine
       For indeed I suspect
       The parts of my new instrument your scarcely are competent
        to tear and dissect.

{All.     Indeed we suspect
         The parts of his intstrument {s}he scarcely is competent
         to tear and dissect.
}
WAR     Dear sir, pray judge {her} not too hastily!
        For I can make the matter clear quite speedily!
        I saw the prism faces were not true,
        And so I thought I'd have them fixed for you.

ECP     Oh, Polaris!

WAR and JFM   I ({She}) too, our humble Josephine
       Tho' far from noble in position
       Have aided him with counsel keen
       And worked throughout with firm decision.
        We two have studied long and well
       And worked and labored each spare minute
       And by your leave, when we are done
       A new photometer we'll name it.

Chorus    A new photometer!

ECP  [solemnly]  A New photometer!

AS and chorus
           For he himself has said it
           And it's greatly to his credit
           That it is a photometer (Repeat)
           For it might have been a telescope
           Or a double barrelled microscope
           Or perhaps a barometer (Repeat).
            But in spite of all inducements
           To belong to other instruments
            It remains a photometer.
        [**    It remains a photo - o - tom -e -e -t -er.]

ECP  In uttering reprobation to any employee
     I try to speak with moderation, but you have been too free.
     I'm very sorry to reprove - indeed! It makes me sad -
     But your captain's precious prisms to improve,
       Yes, Rogers, it's too bad!

All   What!

ECP   Yes, Rogers, it's too bad!

[During this, LW, FES and Providence citizens have entered]

FES    Did you hear him, did you hear him?   
       Politeness is not worth a candle - 
       Let us leave him, let us leave him!
       He said "Rogers" with no handle.

ECP   My pain and my distress
      I find it not easy to express
      My amazement, my surprise
      You may learn from the expression of my eyes.

WAR   Kind sir, one word! The facts are not before you.
      Call me without title if you will,
      But hear my explanation, I implore you
      And you will be surprised at our skill.

ECP   I will hear of no defence, 
      Attempt none if you're sensible
      Your notions were so bold, they're wholly indefensible.

[to JFM] Go, bear the glasses hence,
         To their places with celerity!
          This is the consequence of idle curiosity.

All.  Behold the consequence of idle curiosity.

[Exit JFM with prisms.]

LW  For he'll teach you all ere long,
    To beware of doing wrong.
    For such wickedness received its fitting recompense.

FES  and chorus

    And so say the influential men of Providence.
    For it's a photometer, etc.

LW to ECP  I don't understand this, sir.

ECP  Nor I either. I shall at once investigate the
     matter thoroughly.

[Reenter JFM]

ECP  I have no doubt that others are at the bottom of the
     trouble, but I must keep Josephine in durance for the
     present.

LW  Have you a dungeon, sir, in this edifice?

WU Yes, we have - where the clocks are, down cellar.

ECP Let {her} be taken there at once.

Octette and chorus.

JFM Farewell my own! Light of my life, farewell!
    For crime unknown I go to a dungeon cell.

WAR   I will atone. In the meantime, farewell!
      And all alone, rejoice in your dungeon cell.

LW  A stone, a stone, I'll throw at {her} wretched head.
    Let {her} be shown at once to the dungeon dread.

Quartette.  {She}'ll hear no tone from the master {she} loves so well
      But a telephone we'll soon put up to {her} cell.

AS  But when is known the secret I have to tell,
    Wide will be thrown the door of {her} dungeon cell.

(Repeat in chorus) [JFM is led away by FES and others]

ECP  My pain, my distress
     Again, it is not easy to express.
     My amazement, my surprise
     Again you may discover from my eyes.

All  How terrible the aspect of his eyes!

AS  Hold! Ere upon your grief you lay much stress
    A deep concealed secret I will confess.

Song -AS  Not many days ago, I taught a class astronomy
         And as perhaps you know, I lectured on Photometry.

All    Now this is an anomaly
       He taught a class astronomy
       And lectured on photometry, not many days ago.

AS   Two pupils I had quit. One was of low position.
     The other upper crust - a regular patrician.

All. Now this was their condition - One was of low position.
     The other upper crust - a regular patrician.

AS  I did it all for good, but now, alas! I rue it
    I taught them all I could and not a creature knew it.

All.  However could he do it? Some day, no doubt, he'll rue it.
     Although no creature knew it, not many days ago.

AS   They toiled without digression until was time to go
     They'll honor their profession and who they are you know.

All  They toiled without digression and closed their weary session
      They'll honor their profession and who they are we know.

ECP  Then am I to understand that Prof. Rogers and Josephine have been
     studying photometry under your competent instruction.

AS   Exactly.

ECP  I have done Josephine great injustice. Let her be summoned.
[Exit RES for JFM]

LW    After this occurrence, sir, I need not say that Josephine will
    not do for my assistant. I cannot have anyone with me who is at
    all interested in photometry.

ECP  Indeed! Josephine is evidently too valuable to the institution
     to be allowed to leave it. [To JFM who has entered with RES
     during above conversation]  I am greatly obliged to you for 
     your kind interest in my new instrument and I do sincerely regret
     that I misconstrued your motives in removing the prisms. You
     will continue your work on the Meridian Circle as heretofore.
     [to WAR] Here, take {her}, sir, and mind you treat {her} kindly.

WAR and JFM.  O Bliss! O Rapture!

LW   Sad my lot and sorry. What shall I do? I cannot work alone.

All.  What will he do? He cannot work alone.

FES   Fear nothing - while I live I'll not desert you.
      I'll soothe and comfort your declining days.

LW    No, don't do that.

FES  Yes, but indeed I'd rather.

LW   Tomorrow morn our vows shall all be plighted.
     Two loving pairs on the same day united.

Chorus.   O joy, o rapture unforseen
          The clouded sky is now serene
          The god of day, the orb of love
          Has hung his ensign high above
            The sky is all ablaze
          With wooing words and loving song
          We'll chase the lagging hours along
          And if our Josephine is coy
          We'll murmur scientific joy
          In dreamy roundelays.
[ marginal note "Pass hat" in copy P.]

ECP    For I am the captain of this gallant crew.

All    And a right good captain, too.

ECP   You are very very good, and be it understood
      I command a right good crew.

All   We are very very good, and be it understood
      He commands a right good crew.

ECP   Since moving by my right in society polite
      And among many men of note
      I'll never cease to wear with punctilious care
      A tall hat and swallow tailed coat.

All   What, never?

ECP   No, never!

All   What, never?

ECP   Well, hardly ever!

All   Hardly ever wear a swallow tail coat.
      Then give three cheers and three times three
      for the gallant captain of the Observatree.

AS    For I'm an astronomer, skillful astronomer
      Though I could never tell why,
      but yet an astronomer, happy astronomer
      Modest astronomer, aye.

LW    I am a Harvard LL.D.
      But when I work with thee
      I'll be faithful to the ardor which your zeal presents.

All   Then goodbye to the influential men of Providence
      Professors, lawyers, ministers
      The wise and wealthy men of Providence
      For it is a photometer
      For he himself has said it
      And its greatly to his credit
      That it is a photometer!

[Finis]

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